I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Randomize
