told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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