i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
