omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize