Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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