Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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