Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
