i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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