He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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