my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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