Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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