So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
