I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
