well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize