If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
