Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
