Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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