oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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