i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I need to stop coming to work sober
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
