The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize