I would go down on you faster than GM stock
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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