What did we do last night that was yellow?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
