Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
