At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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