I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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