it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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