Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
