i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I would fuck him just for his dog
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
