I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
