This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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