happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
