im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
