how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
