I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
