a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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