Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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