I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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