forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
