I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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