i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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