i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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