I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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