I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
