So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
