Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
