so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
