New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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