if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
