i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
