dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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