Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
