she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
