I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
