I'm so fucking centered right now
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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