i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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