Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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