I wish my penis had an off switch
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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