Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
