I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize