i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
