I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
